BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.