The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR