Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
the composer
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Sorry. Not sorry
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
his wife is probably gonna see that
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
fly smarter, not harder
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly