her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO