My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag