yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
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Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Festive toon…
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*