*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.