if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Pretty much. 🤣
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.