BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary