waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Autocorrect completely socks
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.