“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Pikachu found the lost joint
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u