banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
You Might Also Like
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed