if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
where the womens at?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Bro what is this