TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
A couple who are silly together stay together.