Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Ironic
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all