Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*