I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
#SuperBowl
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
this is so top tier i cant
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?