Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..