Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂