There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.