Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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wtf is a larm clock?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.