Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Have a lovely day 😊
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?