I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
You Might Also Like
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.