me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
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[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Holy shit he’s back
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
estão todos miauvindo?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.