My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.