[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”