*puts words between two asterisks*
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look