“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Nice try, poison.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.