Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.