Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger