Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh