hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
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Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
the pigeons are already plenty salty