If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
584.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list