This could be us… but you playing
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
sin harder.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock