me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
mumsnet is amazing
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Unimpressed
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28