My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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Guys, I found it.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Leaving the Barbers like
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Breaking news:
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out