My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
WHY?!
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.