Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
You Might Also Like
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
This will never not be funny 😭
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.