You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Don’t tell me what to do
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”