It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
What a chick magnet..
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.