My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?