Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
You Might Also Like
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no