I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
You Might Also Like
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*