Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
You Might Also Like
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.