Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
new shirt idea
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.