Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.