him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
What number SPF blocks people?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames