When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.