chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
The news in a nutshell.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
A French press is when you hug naked