Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
That eye roll….